i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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