Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
