i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
