using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
