i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
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