you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
