FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
