Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
