i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
