keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I don't want my vagina anymore.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
