My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
