after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
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