i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Randomize
