I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
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