i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
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