Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
