Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
