i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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