her facebook's as public as her vagina
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Can vaginas get frostbite?
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
