how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
