i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
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