I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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