I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize
