so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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