dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
