Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
