found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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