"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
