stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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