I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
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