I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
