my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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