he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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