i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Randomize
