If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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