Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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