I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
