I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
