We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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