Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
