I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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