Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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