i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
