she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
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