I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Randomize