i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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