I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
