I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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