After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
