Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Randomize
