We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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