I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
