I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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