I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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