Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
