last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
