Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
